Singing

As I become more confident and secure in myself as a Jew in a way I miss how hard I was pushing myself during conversion. Everyday felt purposefully and I felt like I learned a library of knowledge every week.
So I guess I have to ask myself – how do I become the Jew I want to be as the landscape of who I am changes? I will not always be that conversion student – that person is drifting away. Part of me is ready to stand more on my own, take up a different role in this identity. But part of me wishes for it never to become mundane – that I never answer automatically to any Jewish question, that I always feel, as I did before, overcome by awe that I am in a conversation about Judaism. This makes me think of what I read last night from Heschel – that the words revealed in the Torah are not descriptive but indicative. A descriptive term evokes a known idea from our mind but an indicative word is an invitation to conversation. In other words, it requires a response. Heschel writes “The word is but a clue; the real burden of understanding is upon the mind and soul of the reader.”
I don’t want to ever be silent in Judaism. I want to be like my name, Shira, “songs”. I want to always be singing in response to it.